Sometimes I’m lured. Lured to the point of being selfish you could say. But how is it wrong to want just that one thing? That one thing for myself… When that’s all I’ve ever wanted, so so badly.
And then I could sleep forever in peace. Even the inmates on death row get their last wish fulfilled.
As I drift away ruminating on the uncontrollable urges that overwhelm me from time to time I see a streak of sunlight. Warm and loving. Each morning they’d peek through the gaps of maroon and champagne gold. How they splash here and there on the 10 by 10 haven of ours.
You hated the maroon and champagne gold combo, pouting and grumbling about when I had my way at the store. And all the way back home. Until we put them up and you Realized how they compliment the beige walls. The string lights finishing the look with their golden touché. Them hanging over the pelmet, their loose ends against the creped material, their luminescence witness to our romantic escapades.
Those nights when we’d be lost into each other’s eyes and then you’d slowly inch in… brushing the tip of your nose against mine. Your gentle kisses on my temple. Your fingertips tracing my neck, my back, my stomach… electric! The dim lighting in the background and our dark aroused firmness against each other. Tracing the small crates on your shoulder, the small bumps and bruise marks on the elbows, the part that would be ticklish. The daring hickey that I’d be proudly wearing for a couple of weeks after. The giggles that I’d try and ignore but will blush pink to anyway.
Late into the nights when our sweated bodies glistened in the faint golden hue, my head would rest against your racing beats as I’d try to compare them with mine. Silly me would fall asleep real soon, and why wouldn’t I. I had found those lub dubs as the sweetest lullaby. And again the next morning as I’d open my eyes you’d be watching me. It was so assuring that the previous night wasn’t a dream. You were still here, next to me.
And I was fooled. Every single time for the past years. As I thought that was it. You. Me. Us. Forever.
That, what was only an illusion had never to last long. Yet I let myself believe that it were to stay. And one of those mornings when I saw the empty bed, I almost thought I was having a nightmare. I had laughed to get rid of it. Slowly… then loud… soon hysterically, as it dawned upon me that it was broad daylight. The laughter then sounded pitiful.
But the streak of the sunlight was still warm and loving. Now it only was much clearer and I could feel the breeze too. It wasn’t maroon and gold anymore but shades of green. The leaves of guava and mangoes danced and I could see the vine stretching over the new pole. The red roses, the pink and white lilies and the marigold were basking in the same warmth on the other side.
“And this, you see, is the best way to feed the plants…” my father’s voice wafted through along with the strong compost that he had been showing me to prepare. Damn! I missed the initial part of it. Huh so long for the special father-daughter time we planned, since me being back home after 5 years. A pang of remorse hits me. This aging man who’s been wanting to talk to me, see me, since long, his teary eyes on our Skype calls suddenly flash before me. Yet how I still drift away back to you, an illusion and nothing more, while the reality stares me in the face!
I truly am guilty of being selfish, foolishly selfish.